This page needs a rewrite.
Reason: Great potential, but there's a few SPaG issues, and the writing is relatively awkward.
Strengths
As previously mentioned, the tale has a lot of potential, and the execution of the cliffhanger ending was lovely. The Keymaster's dialogue fits him perfectly.
Flaws — Overall Writing
The battle with the Paragons could use improvement; try appealing more to a peron's senses with imagery, similes, and metaphors. Make every strike, every parry, and every block feel real. This goes too with the skirmish with the Keymaster. Make it feel like an actual fight/clash instead of a weapon-filled argument between the four Squires and the key idiot the Keymaster. Aside from this, the writing's fine.
Flaws — Dialogue
- their abrupt switches from a childlike tone to a more cold, formal tone
(note: stick to one; switching tones like this often makes the writing awkward) - an overusage of ellipses
(note: if you do use an ellipses, put a space after it; however, I suggest using periods instead) - strangely placed stutters
(note: the Squires are supposed to be proud and noble warriors, not 5th graders giving a slideshow presentation; cut down on the stuttering, I suggest using only stutters when they wake up)
Summary
Overall, it was a really fun page to read, but it is far from being done. It is at most a rough draft of a tale that needs heavy revision. I suggest reworking it in a sandbox.
It may need more detail, elaboration, or a few grammar fixes.Remember to check the page history and what links here before rewriting.
Entombed deep within the Crypt of The Resting Ones were four sarcophagi, marked with the names Uruz, Galla, Arcish and Kash – The Squires. Legendary warriors lost to time, remembered by few. Still they laid, just as they had for eons. However, that would soon change, as the coffins suddenly began stirring to a shift in the balance of The Backrooms. The lids erupted and clattered to the ground as smoke arose from the open caskets. The first of the Squires began sitting up, grabbing at the sides of the coffin for support. She groaned slightly in a daze, and began looking around. “Sisters…brother?” Uruz called out, pulling herself out. Galla was next to awaken, sitting up and taking heavy breaths as she was helped out of her coffin by Uruz. “How are you feeling, sister?” Uruz asked as Galla looked around, then back to the other coffins.
“Let us ensure the others have completed their journey safely as well,” She said as the two made their way to Kash’s coffin, but were surprised as their sister suddenly sprung up and turned to them.
“How long have we been asleep?! It's felt like eons!” She screamed.
“Shh, quiet sister. We have no idea what's out here,” Galla stated as Uruz turned to the other coffins.
They approached the coffin containing their brother Kash, who was still in his slumber. “Heavy sleeper...didn’t expect that from him...” Arcish murmured as she reached into the coffin, firmly grabbing Kash by the shoulders and shaking him about like a ragdoll. “Wake up, Kash!”
Kash suddenly Jolted awake. “W-what!? What is it- oh...h-hey Arcish...” He mumbled groggily, soon sitting up and pulling himself out of the coffin. Not having used his legs in a long time, he almost fell to the ground, but was caught by his sisters just in time. “T-thanks..” He said, gently steadying himself as he stood and retrieved his bag from his coffin, slinging it over his shoulder.
“Alright, now that we’re all awake...where exactly are we?...” Galla asked out loud, as the four began looking around the crypt.
It was then that a figure adorned with futuristic golden armor entered the crypt, looking upon the four beings. Instinctively, he raised his weapon, perceiving them as intruders. “What's that...?” Kash asked as the figure began stepping forward and drawing his greatsword. He didn’t say a word as the Squires stood their ground, not intimidated in the slightest as they also drew their weapons. However, they didn’t expect the armored figure to suddenly vanish in some disappearing act.
“Where did he-” Uruz began to ask. But before she could even finish, the Squires heard the sound of something opening behind them. The armored figure appeared once more and swung the greatsword down upon Galla, who raised up her shield to block it as it came crashing down. Galla fell to a knee, holding her ground against his strength as he began pushing more against her shield. Soon however, a mace came swinging into the figure’s gut, pushing him back. Uruz and the others stood at Galla’s side, weapons drawn. Suddenly, the paragon would call for backup, and several more appeared by his side. The Squires realized that this wouldn’t be as easy as they had initially anticipated.
“Who are these guys?!” Arcish asked while knocking an arrow on her bow, poised to shoot. Galla and the others were a bit busy as the Paragon assault began. They began to warp, and two appeared above the Squires as the others charged toward them.
“Split up!” Galla commanded as she, along with Kash, rolled out of the way from the falling Paragons. Uruz clashed with two of them, their swords and her maces going back and forth for a couple of seconds before one of them crossed her in the face with a right swing. She responded with a battle cry and a wild left swing of her mace. The Paragon warped away as Uruz’s mace crashed into the ground, only to appear behind her and bash the end of a spear into her back. Uruz staggered forward to be met with a hammer to her face, launching her back as she crashed against one of the coffins and destroyed it. She quickly got up and shook her head, groaning a slight bit. The others weren’t faring as well as they’d hoped. They were driven against each other's backs as the Paragons surrounded them.
“Kash – huff – your bag.” Galla called out breathlessly. Kash crouched down, slipping off the backpack and opening it. He reached in and pulled out tiny potions, which he tossed to each of his sisters. They quickly drank the bottles, and suddenly, a steam-like aura emitted from them, as they were rejuvenated with a newfound energy. The Squires blitzed towards the Paragons at incredible speed, and each one was quickly taken down. As the dust settled, Galla arose to her feet. “We must escape this place…” she growled, as the four of them ventured through the rest of the level they were in. After passing through the exit door, they suddenly found themselves in a completely different level: The Hub.
“What is this place? It looks familiar but…different,” Kash observed as the Squires looked around. They all certainly remembered a similar level, filled with doors upon doors to every other level. But it did not look like this. It was not so...modern. It was at that moment that the resident entity of The Hub would make his presence known to the four beings. The Keymaster strode forth, the tail of his coat lightly dusting the ground behind him.
“Now, just who might you four be? Fans of The Crimson Wanderer, playing dress-up?”
The Squires turned around, facing The Keymaster. His comment struck a nerve in Archish. “What did you just call us...?.” She asked through grit teeth, drawing her bow and taking aim.
Galla placed her arm on Arcish's shoulder. “Sister, he is not worth it...”
“What are you four doing here, anyways? What business have you with me?” The Keymaster asked, looking upon the Squires with confusion.
“We don’t have any business with you. We don’t even know who you are.” replied Galla.
“All we know is that simply we woke up from a deep sleep, fought our way out of some crypt, and are now here with you disrespecting us,” Uruz followed up, still glaring at him from under her helmet.
“Given how you have so rudely intruded upon my domain, I think my ridicule of you is well-earned. Now, if you have no business here, I suggest you run along now...Crimson runts.”
At that moment, all four of them suddenly stopped dead in their tracks. “OH, THAT'S IT!” Archish roared, releasing the arrow from her bow
“Sister, wait!-” Uruz tried to say, but she was too late as the arrow was already flying directly towards Keymaster. He caught it in his fist, and with that, a full-on brawl broke out between him and the four beings. Archish growled in anger, loading another arrow and firing, although this time she put her bow away, reaching to her side and pulling out a dagger and waiting to see if he’d dodge again. The Keymaster became a blur and soon appeared on the other side of the room in the blink of an eye as he dodged it. Archish locked eyes on him and charged forward. The Keymaster clashed with the Squires, exchanging many blows. The battle would rage on for some time, before yet another being would interrupt it.
“Enough.” A powerful voice interjected. Complete stillness and silence fell over the room as The Crimson Wanderer entered, carrying his sword which still dripped with fresh blood over his shoulder.
“Sire!” Arcish exclaimed, kneeling before him as the rest of the Squires followed suit.
“At ease, my pupils,” replied The Crimson Wanderer, allowing them to rise once again.
The Keymaster was perplexed. “Wait, you know them, Claudius?”
The Crimson Wanderer nodded. “Indeed. They are my proteges. I have been searching for them for some time…”
“Sire…. It has been some time, we awoke from the coffins that you ordered us to sleep in. Although many things have changed,” Galla said.
“Our memories might be a bit fuzzy from how long we’ve slept in those coffins. Speaking of which, how long has it been?” Archish asked.
The Crimson Wanderer’s head tilted in confusion. “I...never ordered you to go to sleep. I had no idea what happened to any of you. You were gone during the war…”
The Squires all looked puzzled as each of them rose to their feet. “That cannot be right. We all clearly remember you giving the order. You told us that we would reawaken when ‘the time was right’.” Uruz said.
“And what war? Did something happen after we were put to sleep?” asked Kash.
“The kingdom is not what it once was. It has fallen to corruption,” The Crimson Wanderer explained.
“But if it wasn’t you who gave us the order...then who?”